Back-to-School Special I: You Must Chill!

Well, it's August 22, which might seem like "late summer" for you normals out there, but for many universities and colleges in Murka on the (sadistic) semester system, today is the first day of school! Welcome back! The students I know have expressed varying reactions to this auspicious occasion, ranging from reluctant industriousness ("Welp, guess it's time to get back to work, hope my classes are good!" to outright terror. Nobody seemed giddy with excitement, to my great disappointment--I guess I really am just that weird, because back in college (where I didn't even do that much work!) I really looked forward to the first day of class. Of course, back when I was in college, college was still a fun place where people went to learn and grow up, not the business transaction/pressurefest it is today. Le sigh. But look, I'm not like this guy from the Chronicle with a chip the size of the Rosetta Stone on his shoulder--I myself am so looking forward to the first day of school this year that I am jealous of my former students and partner and friends and anyone else who gets to start today! Starting school is fun! I mean it! So, I thought today to celebrate your return to school and my concurrent return to Paper Intervention (and yes, I enjoyed my vacation very, very, very much. Too much, from the pants-fitting perspective! What can I say, German Kaffee und Kuchen ist lecker), I'd give you a list of Five Reasons Going Back to School Rules, and Five Things to Take the Panic/Dread Down a Notch, in case the first Five Reasons aren't convincing enough (which of course they will be, as I am a master of written persuasion).

Five Reasons Going Back to College Rules

1. School supplies. Pencils. Pens. Notebooks. TrapperKeepers. All right, probably not TrapperKeepers anymore (NB: I believe I carried a vintage TrapperKeeper I got on eBay through half of my MFA, because my name is Rebecca and I used to be a hipster, back before being a hipster was soooo ooooover, all right now I'm just too old). But, come on, what's better than new pens? When I was a little kid my parents got me a set of pencils with my name on them every year, and it was the best. Don't tell me that you wouldn't love a pencil with your name on it. I seriously believe that anyone who doesn't love going back to school simply needs some pencils with his/her name on them.

2. New Classes=Potential New Smart Fresh Meat. Some of my students have been with their boy/girlfriends since grade school, but for the rest of you, college is a time to expand your horizons. Your DATING horizons! And what better place to meet the person of your dreams than class? (I may be biased because I may or may not have met my own partner in class).  To quote a very wise man, Sam Weir, "Just because a girl's pretty doesn't mean she's cool." And it's true! Some attractive specimen being a jackass at a party may look great through some (nonalcoholic) beer goggles, but you know what is nice? Exchanging two sentences with someone interesting. And the best way to do this in a zero-pressure environment (dating-wise)? In class, where being smart (without being a smug know-it-all) makes people admire you! (More on being a smug know-it-all in a future post).

3. Your life is better with order and a schedule. Tiny babies know this, your adorable pug dog knows this (PS: do you have a pug dog? If so, I am jealous), the six-year-old you babysit knows this: without something to count on every day, anxiety and depression happen, and they happen big time. As long as you manage not to stress out too much (and you shouldn't! See below), going back to college will actually make you happier and healthier than screwing around/working too much at a menial job you are hoping not to have anymore after you get your degree.

4. Slightly colder weather=something other than the same summer wardrobe you're now ready to burn. Even if, like me, you are just "shopping your closet" for back-to-school (I lack the funds and time even to make a new wardrobe this fall, le sniff), rediscovering clothing in which you could *not* be mistaken for a Lady of the Night and/or The Dude is fun--as is being able to stop looking at your near-bare self in the mirror every day.

5. FRIENDS! Old friends! New friends! Frenemies! Especially for you returning sophomores, you will find it amazing how much you missed your friends over the summer and how great it is to see them in person. You hear it a zillion times over, but that is because it's true: (some of) the friends you make in college will be the friends you have for the rest of your life. Though we all live in different towns, I still count many of my college classmates as my greatest friends and among the neatest people I've ever known. Unlike your high school friends, your college friends will be with you as you transition to adulthood, and as such will remember both hilarious-youth you and semi-responsible grown-up you (just ask my friend Justin about the "Chumbawamba Dance" someday if you want proof).

Still not convinced? All right, then, here's Five Reasons to Calm the F*ck Down:

1. Contrary to what it might look like based on that 90-page syllabus (most of which is legalese designed to protect us, and our institutions, from lawsuits--i.e. if I kick some text-messaging miscreant out of my class, I sure as Hades better have a zero-tolerance mobile device policy buried in my syllabus somewhere, lest that student sue me for Acute Feelings-Hurting, which I'm pretty sure in today's college environment is a more punishable offense than cheating--AHEM)...anyway, contrary to what it might seem like today (or tomorrow), your courses are designed for you to be able to complete them with (relative) ease. It is the rare and unforgivable sadist and/or graduate seminar instructor who comes up with 10-16 weeks of work so extensive and strictly-graded that you simply can't do it even if you're a genius/overachiever. So remember that no matter how bad it looks, it is designed specifically for you to be able to complete it. DIRTY PROFESSOR SECRET: sometimes we even overload our syllabi on purpose because we can't yet figure out what to cut, and know that come mid-semester when we do pare the syllabus down, we'll look like heroes.

2. Your professor is a human person who only has two qualities that make him/her different than you: S/he is (usually) older than you, and s/he has already read the material you've been assigned. In most cases, this human person even likes this material and has assigned it because s/he thinks you'll like it too. Instead of viewing your prof as the Ultimate Fun Killer Out To Ruin Your Life, think of us as personal trainers FOR YOUR MIND who have developed a personalized program specifically designed to get you(r brain) into the best shape of its life.

3. IF you are advanced-study bound: as long as you maintain something above a 3.0, your college grades don't really matter that much. I once had a student who was so high-strung I thought s/he was going to explode--because, in her/his words, s/he "had" to get a 4.0 or s/he would not get into grad/professional school and become a doctor/lawyer/cowboy/whatever. To which I say: all right, for a top professional school you probably need something closer to a 3.6 in order to be looked at seriously, but I'll tell you, a 3.6 student with a great set of recommendations, super GRE/LSAT/GMAT/MCATs and an "A-" average in courses that directly pertain to the advanced study is a much better candidate than a 4.0 student with a bunch of lukewarm recommendations that either euphemistically or directly refer to that student as a pushy, grade-grubbing pain in the ass.

4. If you are NOT grad-school bound: as long as you actually graduate, your college grades do not matter even one little bit. If you put your graduating GPA on a resume, potential employers are actually going to laugh at you out loud. It makes you look like a 14-year-old. The professional world doesn't give two craps about your college grades. Look at Rick Perry--that guy got Ds and Fs at Texas A&M for goodness' sake, and he's Governor of Texas and running for President of the United States! Sure, if you're on a scholarship with a minimum GPA requirement, then you need to care a little bit more--but look at it this way. If you're on a partially-academic scholarship (which all scholarships are, otherwise they'd be called f*ckingaroundships), it is specifically because the granting entity wants you to do well in school and thinks you can.

5. It helps to concentrate on the baby steps rather than the big picture. A student who does a marginal-to-good amount of work for (almost) every single class is much, much more likely to get that all-important "A" than one who just sits there like a root canal patient for 10 weeks and then aces the final. Because you know what? The involved student is going to ace the final without even really trying, because s/he will have actually become involved in and taken ownership for his/her own success throughout the semester.

All right, kids/adults--that's my seventeen cents. Welcome back to school, do your best, and have a great year--and remember, when it comes time to write those dreaded papers, you are not alone.